Thursday, March 25, 2010

Earning Your Friendship PhD: How to Be a Black-Belt Listener

A black-belt listener is a master at listening for the feelings another person is expressing without judgment, comparison or evaluation, and looking for requests underlying the sharing.  To listen in this way offers another respect and honors the sacredness of who they are and what they are feeling and wanting, rather than what the listener may think the speaker should be feeling or wanting.  Becoming a black-belt takes a lot of practice, but small successes make a difference.  And don’t those we love deserve to be treated with such respect and honor?  They do, and so do we.

Simply, listening is putting ourselves aside to be fully with the other person’s experience.  This is a gift of profound friendship and caring – one that is a treasure to receive.  Brenda Ueland, a prolific Minnesota author and columnist, wrote an essay called The Art of Listening that describes the transformative possibilities this kind of listening can create in a speaker and in a listener.

       Do you listen fully to others, giving them the time to explore their own feelings, needs, and requests?   Do you jump in quickly with suggestions, stories, examples and help?  How would it feel if you didn’t provide suggestions for solutions?  What would it be like just to discover what the other person was going to say and what that person meant without a thought about your response?  How would it feel if others listened to you in this way?

      In my Thriving Through Change workshops there is a process in which participants share with a partner about an important turning point in their lives.  I warn the sharers not to tell the story.  Instead I give them a specific form for intimately sharing their experience without the story that was attached.  The listeners must remain silent until the end of each section of the sharing, then they may say only "thank you."  Sharers say this allows them to share deeply without fear of being judged.  Listeners say they feel relief, knowing they couldn't be expected to offer advice or "fix" the situation.  Instead they are free to be present and listen without preparing a response, since no response other than "thank you" is to be given.

      Here's a revelation affirmed by the vast majority of my workshop participants: people sharing with you don't want your help; they want you to witness their feelings and experience.  This is true of both men and women.  Most people will find their own way and do not want the listener to help.  In fact, unsolicited help can sometimes feel insulting.  So unless someone asks you for advice, do not give it.  This practice will move you toward a black-belt in listening.

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