Finding Compassion

When I think about the challenges we are facing, not only here in the U.S., but globally, I wonder how we will go about developing our compassion. Economically, militarily, in healthcare, the environment, energy, religion, politics, and security, in our constitutional definitions of rights and who is allowed to have them, in our schools and prisons, houses of worship, and military bases, at our jobs, in our unions and corporations–at every age, educational and racial background, we seem to have real difficulty imagining how the other guy feels. Sometimes we aren't even interested in trying to imagine it.

We need some deep, collaborative thinking and cooperative action to bring about improvement in potentially very difficult circumstances. Our instinct may be to pull in tighter, to trust less, to give and listen less, and to hold onto our own. But that behavior only makes the crisis deeper and the pain more acute.

What is compassion, really? It is the ability to stand in another person's shoes, metaphorically speaking, and get a view of life from her perspective. It may reveal things we have not encountered and never considered.  It can stop us from minimizing another person's pain.

I was once in a class that explored evil as a phenomenon. The professor had worked with Holocaust survivors. I suggested that even the worst people chose evil behavior because of something they had experienced. The professor responded that such an idea would be perceived by some Holocaust survivors as a way of excusing evil. She said, in effect, that to try and understand was to minimize the suffering that these survivors had experienced.

I can summon only the palest glimpse of the devastation behind the rage, humiliation and grief of someone who lived through and witnessed that kind of abuse. Mustering all the respect and courage I can, I still believe that we must try to understand. Pain that is inflicted arises out of pain.

How can we prevent genocide–or any cruel, devastating abuse–if we have no idea where it came from? Hatred, prejudice and evil behavior don't arise on their own. They have a root. They have a beginning. What if we could discover what causes this emotional cancer and stop it before it takes over the thoughts, soul and spirit of a young person? 

Would we govern differently if we understood the full impact and cost of our global decisions? Would we parent differently if we felt the impact of our words and behavior on our children? Would we have more compassion for ourselves if we understood how the parenting and governance we have already experienced shaped the people we have become?

Today I attended the annual fund raising luncheon for Safe School Ambassadors, a program to reduce school violence, bullying, and isolation. Every day 160,000 kids from kindergarten through high school stay home from school. Not because they are physically sick, but because they are terrified of what will happen to them if they go to school. Every day they experience cruelty or humiliation. How long can a child feel daily terror and remain emotionally balanced?

SSA, a program of Community Matters, was begun after the Colombine High School shootings. It has begun to effectively change the culture in schools by working with young people who are natural leaders in their own circles at school, training them in intervention strategies the kids themselves can use in the moment. 

These kids are leaders in their own peer groups at school – athletes, geeks, gang members, academic whiz kids, "cool" kids – bringing them together and revealing their shared humanity through their own stories. As they discover they are not so different from one another, they begin to look out not only for their own friends with these new skills, but each other's friends as well. Little by little the culture of intimidation shifts in these schools.

A senior from a local high school sat at my table and told us how a good friend of his had been suicidal and had been helped through the skills he had learned through the SSA program. Without that practice, he said, he would not have had the courage to try and intervene, and his friend might have died. This is compassion and courage in action, expressed both by this young man and by SSA and the school. Together, they saved a life. What if that life had been the life of your child?

Emotional healing is directly related to compassion. What might happen in the world if adults could learn how to live more compassionately? Yes, we must be held accountable for our actions, regardless of our past. Perhaps we must also begin to be more accountable for our shared future, actively seeking out ways to strengthen our own courage and compassion.

Is Faith Naive in Challenging Times?

Whenever fear becomes the predominant theme in the media, and news looks bleak for the well-being of most of the population, it is almost possible to feel the pulse of the country quicken with worry. At times like these invoking faith in anything beyond what our senses tell us may seem naive and superstitious, particularly if we are listening to those who are certain their doubt, warnings and worry are the most important focus there can be.

When ridicule of faith is hip, those who have felt grounded in their own spiritual paths and practices during times of relative calm can feel shaken and begin to wonder if they really do have it all wrong.

Let me be clear, I'm not about to recommend you follow any particular spiritual path or endorse a specific belief.  And if agnosticism or atheism are serving you well, so be it.

My thoughts today, though, are directed toward those who do believe in something greater than what is seen, whatever their specific spiritual orientation.

It's not an easy task to accomplish the things that are worthwhile in our lives: parenting, building a business, completing a college degree, mastering a trade or career, saving for the future, or living from integrity, to name a few.  

Practicing our faith requires similar commitments over an extended period of time.  If we have been practicing during comfortable, easy times, we may have more to fall back on when trouble arises, but sometimes that's just when we lose our sense of connection to the Great Mystery.  If we have not been involved in any spiritual community for some time, a crisis can drive us toward one or cement our feelings of aloneness and isolation.

As I write this, financial institutions that have seemed dependable are shaky. Investments have lost some of their value, and many people are worried about losing their retirement savings or their kids' college funds.  Some are wondering if they will ever own a home again. Others are facing downsizing at work and losing sleep while worrying about losing their jobs. The situation looks troubling in a major way, not only personally, not only in the U.S., but globally.

Here's a question to consider: how much time do you spend every day watching or listening to the news? How much time do you spend talking about worrisome issues with others? To marinate ourselves in upset and concern every day is bound to infuse us with the national flavor and aroma of fear.

What is the approach to take as a person of faith? I could say prayer, which is a good suggestion, but more is necessary to rebuild our faith muscles now.

Are we spending an equivalent amount of time to that marinating in worry reminding ourselves of the abundant good we do have in our lives? Do we make time to immerse ourselves daily in inspiring information, reading, movies, TV and conversation? Do we seek out what is working? Do we consider in what innovative ways our challenges might be solved? Are we optimistic that our problems can be solved?

Fear sells products and attracts viewers and listeners and sometimes voters, but it doesn't bring us back, as people of faith, to what we believe most deeply. Balance can only be regained with effort and attention.

Remember watching the Olympic competitors on the balance beam? To right themselves when wobbly required focus, intention, and confidence. Yes, the competitor wobbled, but if she focused on worry about the wobble she was already lost. What helped her regain balance? Her practice before that moment created a foundation of confidence, and the practiced discipline of recovery of her mind and body moved her back into position.

Now is the time for us to practice what we say we believe; what we know to be true. Right now. Walk away from the computer and turn attention to finding your balance again. I'm going to do that right now myself.